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07.29.03 ~ The Quest For a Power Bar The wholesale slander of various commercially available products Took the weekend off from writing and instead of getting up another entry I slaved away on the main Ri-ality site in an attempt to get parts of it back up to date. Of course I cannot do anything by halves, so naturally this didn't mean just getting rid of some old poetry and putting up some new stories. It meant new graphics, new layout, new content, new everything. Slowly but surely, ladies and gentlemen. Also decided that I hated the old site so much that I didn't want anyone traipsing around in it for now. So replaced the main splash page with an obnoxious joke that has always amused me even though it is incredibly silly. That's Sauron by the way, for anyone who hasn't watched Lord of the Rings eight million times and doesn't know each frame of it by heart. Bill, Green Tea and I always rather disliked that particular shot of him from the prologue of the movie. We think he looks like a Power Rangers villain. So every time we watch that part, I am unable to resist and exclaim "Curse those meddlesome Rangers!" and everyone else laughs diligently because they all thought it was funny at one time and are now unable to claim that they don't find it amusing, even though this is the seven-hundred-and-eighteenth time I've said it and really the comedy has worn off a bit at this point. +++++ Have been having the urge to snack at all the wrong times lately, and so have gained a few pounds courtesy of Cheezits and Chex Mix in the past few months. In an effort to find something to snack on that does not weigh me down and drag me into a starch-saturated languor (also something that does not go directly to my derrière without passing "Go" or collecting $200), I have been trying to find a brand of "Protein Energy Bar" that is more-or-less edible. So far, the results are not encouraging. The first "bar" I tried was only marginally a bar. In fact, calling it a "bar" at all was something of an exercise in euphemism. It was really more of a raisin-and-oatmeal paste which conformed to the shape of a bar only as long as it was inside the foil wrapper. When released from bondage, however, the so-called "bar" began to wilt, nay! to melt into a viscous brown mass that had to be scrubbed off my hand with a scratchy green sponge after I was finished consuming what portion of the "bar" had not already bowed (in every sense of the term) to the demands of gravity. I was rather at a loss as far as what to do with the other one (you see, they sell these things in pairs). The first one really hadn't been all that bad as far as taste went, but after the mess it made, I was reluctant to try eating the second one. So it sat on the shelf for a few days, while I weighed the possible risks and benefits of making another attempt at consuming it before it got everywhere versus heating it in the microwave for thirty seconds, slathering it on my face and seeing if it was any great shakes at exfoliation. Eventually I think I had it for breakfast on a day when we had run out of cereal, but I was more careful and managed to deny the second bar its bid for freedom. I don't recall the brand name of this bar. It had "POWER" written in very big letters across it, but that really doesn't narrow it down much. I made my second attempt at finding a decent energy snack today. I purchased two (the pairs thing again) LUNA® protein soy bars. "The whole nutrition bar for women"™ proclaims the wrapper. One wonders as opposed to what? The half nutrition bar? In what manner, precisely, is it "whole"? Is it whole as in "whole wheat"? Or as in "whole lotta nuthin'?" More likely the latter, as the bar's main ingredient (I read the label and everything) is LunaPro™, a "soy rice crisp" comprised, one must assume, of soy and rice as well as "crisp". I estimate, based entirely on mouth-feel and perceived nutritional value, that this substance is roughly 8% soy, 5% rice and 97% crisp. I say this because I have some prior experience with both rice and soy and can assure the general populace that when one consumes either or both of them, one is not usually starving again fifty seconds later. However, such is not the case with the LUNA® bar, and so I can only conclude that the bar's staple ingredient is in fact this mysterious "crisp". However, the LUNA® bar has the redeeming virtue of bearing sweet little "dedications" or personal messages on the wrappers which are, I gather, written by the Real Women who make LUNA® bars "blissfully good" (it actually says "blissfully good", I didn't make that up). This injects an element of personalization and sentimentality into the product, so hopefully you can appreciate how sweet it must be for some girl named Katie to pick up a protein bar and find that it has been dedicated to her by her "soulmate" Heidi (who is, I am informed, a Woman of LUNA®, and who, I surmise, does not realize that "soulmate" is supposed to be either two words or hyphenated). All this while you are starving to death due to LUNA®'s utter lack of anything resembling food substance. +++++ Last night after the gym, Green Tea and I watched the first disk of the "X" anime while we ate dinner. I bummed it from one of Bill's brothers because we always enjoyed Cowboy Bebop so much, and then after we saw Spirited Away, I had begun to think of anime as this vast, unexplored trove of new sources of entertainment. Bill's brother thought we might like "X", so I brought home a few disks. So far it is fairly entertaining despite the fact that it makes no sense at all and has thirty-eight main characters, thirteen of whom are tall, slender and pale men with black hair and super-natural powers of various natures. Some are good, some are bad, some are undecided and angsty about their indecision, but all of them look exactly alike!! Dude. There's even a tall, slender and pale girl who has the same haircut as all the guys so the only way to tell her apart is her nerve-wrackingly squeaky voice. How am I supposed to keep track of all these people? It is made even more difficult by the fact that all the Japanese names run together in my head and get swapped around and mixed up. So Green Tea and I mostly sat and were entertained by all the cool visuals and by the one male protagonist whom we could tell from the others because he was not pale and had a hat on over his black hair. He also had most of the humorous lines, so we clung to him like drowning children to a life preserver and tried to figure out who all the other people were. Green Tea: So, okay who was the short black-haired guy fighting? Me: You mean the guy with the pimp-tastic white raincoat? Green Tea: Yes...No. Wait, the pimp-tastic guy didn't have black hair. Me: No, I know, I thought you were talking about him being the one fighting the black-haired guy. Green Tea: No, he was fighting the guy with the hat. Me: The monk guy Green Tea: Yeah, the monk with the hat and the barrier-wall thingy. He was fighting the blonde pimp guy. Who was the short guy fighting? Me: Um...the short guy? Green Tea: Yeah, this guy right here. Me: He's short? Green Tea: shorter Me: Okay, I think that's the Kamoui person Green Tea: Okay, so? Me: He's supposed to save the world or something, but he seems like a bad guy to me. Green Tea: Right, but who was he fighting? Me: When? Green Tea: Just now! Me: Um...this guy. Green Tea: I know "this guy"! Who is "this guy"? Me: Well he's kowtowing to the Princess person with the unlikely hair. I think he's one of her guys. Green Tea: But who is he? Me: I don't know, okay? You keep asking me questions, I can't hear the dialogue. How am I supposed to know who he is if I can't hear the dialogue. Green Tea: What dialogue? You call this dialogue? Where you there for the "heavenly ice-cream" part? Me: Unfortunately Green Tea: Heavenly ice-cream. I mean seriously. Me: It probably suffers from bad translation, or something. I bet it sounds a lot more poetic in the original Japanese. Green Tea: In what language does the concept of "heavenly ice-cream" come across as poetic? Me: Um. Green Tea: Okay, now we are playing basketball. And there's two guys with black hair and no tan. Which is which? Me: The one that is shorter and has more out-of-control hair is that Kamoui-angst-ridden-hinge-of- fate-guy. Green Tea: Is the other one the guy that killed the little sister? Me: No, this one is that little brown-haired girl's big brother. Green Tea: Okay, so is it his little sister that gets killed? Me: I don't think so Green Tea: Then who the...oh forget it. --pause-- Green Tea: Okay, now they are talking about indigo dying. Why are they talking about indigo dying? Me: You're asking me? I'm only still here because I'm waiting for the Kamoui guy to bust out the Matrix skills again. Green Tea: I don't think he's going to anytime soon. He seems to be pretty fascinated with what she has to say about indigo dying. Me: At least the music is cool Green Tea: I am getting some more "heavenly mint chocolate chip". Let me know if they actually do anything. +++++ Subway sandwiches tonight! Yay! I am in need of sustenance after the great failure that was LUNA®. I think I will ask for my money back on pain of having their product defamed openly on the internet where all can see. Oh wait.... +++++ "Please! You must listen! LunaPro™.....Is.....PEOPLE!!" Ahem. Sorry, couldn't resist. 'Night.
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